WHY DO RELATIONSHIPS FALL APART?
WHY DO RELATIONSHIPS FALL APART?
I was thinking back to my Counselling Diploma training days when I asked my very experienced trainer two really important questions in my mind. When is it too late for a relationship where two people were in love to be repaired and what are the biggest causes of break ups in your experience? I loved her answers. I hope from my memory I can convey them as well as she did.
To the first question she answered...
"The problem isn't when people fall out of love, it is when people fall out of like, if they can't like each other anymore, it's usually over"
It is easy to continue to love someone, its liking them that's the hard part.
To the second question she answered...
"A very common cause of break up is when a partner changes jobs or gets a promotion. When their needs suddenly start to change with the job and they don't communicate their new needs, the other person is often left behind wondering what happened?"
All of us are continuing to learn, grow and change. Some of us evolve a lot faster than others.
Someone who will remain unnamed made me laugh when she jokingly said...
"Why do people have to change? It's false advertising! I agreed to be with that person that they tricked me into thinking they were, not this idiot!"
I'm sure most, if not all of us have been here before. We put our best foot forward for out potential partner in a metaphorical mating dance in an attempt to win someone over. Then we get them, and less effort is required and the motivation to please them will drop off. We get lazy!
So my tips for the day are to KEEP FINDING THINGS THAT YOU LIKE about your partner (or even friend, co worker or family member). Everyone has something likable about them. Don't forget what you like about them by being so focused on what you don't like.
Tip number two is KEEP COMMUNICATING! Your partner isn't a mind reader. If you are going through a big shift, give them the heads up so they can keep up with you!
Tip number three is STOP EXPECTING PERFECTION! It is impossible for your partner to know at every moment of the day how to make you happy. Do you really want them to have to work that hard to do everything right? They don't need to be treading on eggshells.
Tip number four is LET THEM BE WHO THEY NEED TO BE! Having someone demand that you act the way they tell you to for the rest of your life is like putting you in a cage. Let them be free, let them be their own amazing self and let them grow, evolve and expand!
Tip number five is KEEP MAKING IT FUN! All relationships are work. It's not healthy to keep up the mating dance for an extended period of time. It's exhausting. There will always come a time when the relationship will slow down, normalise and just become comfortable. Let it be comfortable, but don't let go of the fun!
A trap that so many fall into is thinking that "If I leave this relationship that has become stale, I will find someone better". Maybe you will... It is more likely that you will find that the same thing will happen with the next person, and the next and the next. So if the relationship you are in needs a little work to be great again, you may as well put in the effort. If it is abusive in any way... that rule doesn't apply. Get some assistance to make a safe decision.
Wishing you all a beautiful, loving and fun relationship... with someone you really like x